My own story
by John Kennedy

Adapted from an article published in fab, Oct. 1998.

I met Kevin in December 1995 and after about six months as a couple we moved in together. What followed was a year of abuse, both physical and emotional. We broke up more times than I can count but we always came back to each other for reasons I am still at a loss to explain. I still relive the nights I sat in the emergency room at the hospital bruised, broken and bleeding. I kept the hospital records -- cracked collar bone, broken nose, abrasions to the face -- which serve as reminders of how much he "loved" me.

Perhaps more disturbing to me now than the way Kevin treated me was the way he forced me to treat him. I reacted to his abuse and did things I will long regret. Striking him, regardless of the fact that it was in self-defence, made me just as despicable as Kevin. He didn't deserve the pain any more than I did.

During the period wherein Kevin and I lived together police were dispatched to our home at least half a dozen times either in response to my frantic 911 calls or the calls of concerned neighbours. Each time officers arrived they seemed to chalk it up to a couple of fags having it out and left without doing anything more than warning us to settle down. A few weeks before Christmas 1996, I sat on the cold porch of our home, crying and waiting for police once again. This time the officers didn't even bother to get out of their cruiser. This time I had enough. The officers took my statement and examined the swelling on my face and the red hand print burned into my neck. They went inside to question Kevin, who sat calmly working at his computer. As I watched my boyfriend being escorted out in handcuffs I felt a combination of relief, sadness and fear. Kevin was charged with assault and held in custody at 14 Division until his court appearance the following morning. One of his colleagues posted a $1,000 bond and Kevin was released on the condition that he did not contact me or come back to our home.

I then had to live through weeks of interviews with police and meetings with the Victim Witness Assistance Program of the Crown's office (a genuinely supportive and open-minded office). The investigating officer interviewed two of Kevin's ex lovers, Donald and Mark, and discovered that I was not his first victim. Both recalled abuse at the hands of Kevin and shared experiences eerily similar to mine. But neither was willing to give a formal statement or testify in court (testimony that would have likely been ruled inadmissible anyway) because they feared Kevin would retaliate.

In April 1997 Kevin was arrested for violating one of his bail conditions. In June, in a deal I helped negotiate, he pleaded guilty to the second charge and the Crown agreed to drop the assault charge against him. Prosecutors assured me it was the fastest and least stressful way to resolve the case, particularly since I was reluctant to testify against him. Kevin was given a conditional discharge (meaning he would not end up with a criminal record) and sentenced to 18 months probation and 75 hours of community service work. He was ordered to attend anger management counseling and not to communicate with me or to come within 100 metres of my place of employment.

My story is not unique. I have learned that gay domestic assaults happen all the time. The police and the Crown attorney have confirmed this is true. But we don't talk about it as gay men and lesbians, perhaps out of fear that we'll be viewed as "wimps" for not being able to stand up for ourselves. Perhaps because we're often so desperate to hold on to a soulmate.

Gay men and lesbians who are abused by their partners need to know that there is never a justification for the behaviour. No reason is good enough. No apology is sincere enough. Nothing you can do makes you deserve it. I don't care what is keeping you together -- walk away and walk away now.

Following the publication of this story in Oct. 1998, Kevin and two friends came to my office (when I wasn't there) and told my publisher to promise that I will never be allowed to write another story about Kevin. All that time after our relationship ended, Kevin was still trying to control and intimidate me.

Today I am in a happy, healthy long-term relationship but I am still haunted by what Kevin put me through -- and I still live in fear of retaliation. I probably wouldn't have any of these concerns if I had only walked away the very first time he raised his hand to me.

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