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SCREAMS
IN A VACUUM
Gay
male domestic violence and abuse shares a great deal of similarities
with its heterosexual counterpart: frequency (approximately
one in every four couples); manifestations (emotional, physical,
financial, sexual, etc); co-existent situations (unemployment,
substance abuse, low self-esteem); victims' reactions (fear,
feelings of helplessness, hyper vigilance); and reasons for
staying (love, can work it out, things will change, denial)
are some examples. But significant differences, unique issues
and deceptive myths are just as much part of the phenomenon.
Perhaps the most significant difference is the community's
invalidation. Unlike mainstream's recognition and response
to battered women the gay community has responded to its battered
gay men with denial and silence. Community leaders have stated
there is "no problem" while correspondingly and not surprisingly
support services remain virtually non-existent. Remarkably
the community and greater social body understand that gay
men are victims of hate crimes (which occur with less frequency
than gay domestic cases) yet buy into the myth that men are
not victims of domestic abuse. Of all the differences between
heterosexual and homosexual abuse this silent denial of the
community is the most detrimental of all as it perpetuates
the abuse, suffocates potential funding and services and removes
support, protection, validation and empowerment from the victim.
Gay socialization processes often include secrecy, isolation
and fears of abandonment that compound this community silence.
It is an isolative cocktail that results in co-dependency
and jealousy possibly leading to social fusion (the ability
and desire of one partner to share in all of the social activities
of the other). Studies indicate a correlation between levels
of co-dependency and jealousy and rates of abuse (Renzetti,
88; Lehman, 97). Insofar as many same-sex relationships place
greater value on their families of choice (often alienated
or misunderstood by their families of origin) the partnership
can take on more importance often with an insulative us-against-the-world
quality. This potentially raises the abuse benchmark and prolongs
cohabitation further into the abuse cycle. Also, due to lack
of mature gay couple role models, gay partnerships are on
their own in forging the couple's dynamics, once again leaving
more opportunity for a power hungry control seeking batterer
to shape, to manipulate and to exploit the relationship.
Although claims of mutual abuse are common in heterosexual
domestic assaults, gay male batterers who counter their victim's
charges build upon and manipulate the myth that abuse or violence
between two men is normal, just fighting, or actively initiated
or participated in by both parties. In the case of physical
violence a gay man's defense often takes the form of (resistant)
physical force, more so than heterosexual couples, and the
police, courts and most importantly the victim himself can
be confused - ready to dismiss things as normative behavior
or to accept misplaced responsibility, particularly if the
victim is larger or stronger.
This inappropriate accountability and the trivialization of
various forms of abuse or violence most likely is a result
of our male socialization patterns. 'Be tough, be a man -
fight back' is a message that continues like a tape loop in
our heads to ultimately erode a clear perception of what abuse
is. As a result it is difficult for men to identify themselves
as victims and easy for perpetrators to extract validation
from socially supported competition, aggression and power-seeking
messages. The combination of community silence, isolative
gay socialization and competitive/aggressive 'maleness' creates
a psychic barrier hindering recognition of one's abuse or
of one's violence. In traversing the relationship continuum
from healthy to dysfunctional to abusive it is indeed a difficult
task for gay men to identify their location given this labyrinth
of messages and misplaced landmarks.
Sensitivity must also be given to HIV and AIDS. Gay men who
are HIV+ or have AIDS and who are victims of abuse may remain
with their partners simply because they fear the alternative
is worse. If the batterer is the caregiver his power to wage
abuse becomes Herculean. Threats of outing the victim's HIV/AIDS
status at work or to family are not uncommon. Financial dependence
and health insurance may play a part in the HIV+ victim's
choice (or lack of perceived choice) to remain in the relationship.
Conversely, victims may remain with their HIV+ batterers out
of a sense of guilt or moral obligation. In the case of perpetrators
with AIDS, the victim may perceive the abuse as an effect
of the illness rather that what it really is.
If this were not enough, gay men also face abuse in homophobia
and re-victimization. Batterers use threats of outing the
victim to family or work to gain power and/or prevent escape.
Social (and possibly family) stigmatization, community denial
and the lack of support and services reinforce the victim's
feeling of self-worth by invalidating his all too real pain
and trauma. Perpetrators are usually the first to point out
to the victim the 'mistake' he would make in calling the police
or mentioning things to a friend. We must remember that in
some situations getting help may be tantamount to coming out
and an extremely difficult choice to make. This is the moment
when a friend's acknowledgement and support are crucial.
Re-victimization includes police, courts and service providers
whose responses are prejudicial or apathetic and either invalidate
the victim or lack equanimity and empathy. In the past, police
and courts lacked an understanding they are quickly gaining
today and no victim should hesitate to reach out. The Victim's
Assistance Program at the 519 and the Gay Partner Abuse Project
are two efforts in Toronto which offer a variety of excellent
support and services to victims and survivors of abuse.
In closing, we know that gay male domestic violence exists.
We know it shares similarities with heterosexual domestic
violence and also has unique issues and qualities. We know
gay victims want and need help. As individuals we can open
our eyes and our hearts to our neighbors and friends experiencing
this very real tragedy. Our efforts also must have the foundation
of our community, appreciating that once we have the understanding
and support of the gay community we will have a network of
resources second to none and most importantly, the silence
will be broken.
Mark Lehman
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